My “Afterlife” Series ~ I’m no expert…
By Susan Keats, Contributor & Seize-the-Day Propagandist
A friend called recently. She had just learned that another friend of hers was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She could not stop crying after she received the news and had not yet called her friend to offer her… what? What is the right thing to say? What, as a good friend, do you do?
When my husband called my friends to tell them that I had a cancer diagnosis (because I could not get through an entire sentence without breaking down into sobs) they felt very much the same way. What do they say? What do they do? Should they stop by? Leave me alone? Talk to me? NOT talk to me?
To be honest, I didn’t know what I wanted other than to crawl into bed and wait for the next bit of medical information about my condition to come in. I was completely in self-absorbed mode, (totally deserved.) I did not think about whether or not I wanted my friends to call, so in hindsight, I can see what a dilemma the situation put them in.
I also found that sometimes, well-meaning friends who did call, said things that irked me. Let’s face it, when you are really raw, it’s easy to be irked.
“You must not allow yourself to be discouraged, YOU MUST LIVE!” One said to me emphatically over the phone.
“Well DUH!” I thought. I didn’t say it, but I wanted to scream it, really loudly, like a 9 year old: DUH-UH!!!!!!
So now I know you are thinking uh oh. What if I call a sick friend and say the wrong thing? What if they want to say something snarky to me after I think I’ve given them words of encouragement? Or, as my friend with the buddy with pancreatic cancer wondered, “What if I cry when I hear her voice?”
I can only tell you, based on my own feelings what I think might be just the right thing to do. Here is my short list of dos and don’ts:
- DON’T call your friend and launch into the tale of how you heard the news, where you were, how you were told and how upset you are. After all, this initial contact with your friend isn’t about you and your feelings, it is about how much you want to support your friend. All of those other details can come later.
- DO call your friend and offer your support. You could start the conversation like this: “Oh Ann! I just heard that you are sick. How are you doing?” What if you cry? It’s not so horrible to cry, as long as you don’t make the conversation about you.
- DON’T ask your friend if you can bring a meal or help somehow.
- DO bring a meal and help somehow. Don’t ask, just do it. It will be sooo appreciated and your friend will not be put in the position of having to approve or agree to accept the help you want to give. Take all decisions out of his/her hands and just help. Bring a meal, drive kids to school, pick kids up… I had a family who not only picked my daughter up daily to bring her to camp, but they brought her home too. For 6 weeks. In my book, they are going straight to heaven.
- DON’T tell a friend that to regain her good health she must “believe” that she will be healthy. Your friend never believed she would get sick in the first place and this idea of having control over illness by simply thinking that you do also carries the subtext of, you might have caused your own illness with your thoughts to begin with. Nothing like worrying about stray thoughts sabotaging your good health to make you feel totally out of control. I’m not saying that there isn’t a mind/body connection, but let your friend conclude how her thoughts might contribute to making her well.
- DO tell your friend that when they are up to it, you would like to stop by and when you do, bring cheerful conversation and treat her as you always have, and not as if you need to speak quietly, somberly or give any indication that you are wondering about whether or not she will live or die. Just be the friend you have always been. While we are all alive, you can assume that that is just how we all want to be. Alive.
When you are sick, people see you differently, but you are still you and you want to be treated the same as always. It is hard to believe you are even in the position you are in. Cancer? ME? Being sick is so thought consuming, that to have friends come along and lift you out of those consuming thoughts even for 30 minutes is really wonderful. It makes you feel almost normal. And normal feels good.
- DON’T ask your friend to tell you the whole story about how she found out about her illness, but as she processes her experience I practically guarantee that she will want to tell you anyway. Rehashing traumatic events can help a person process them and it is actually a good thing for her to do.
- DO Listen. Keep comments such as “Didn’t you know that by smoking you were jeopardizing your health?” to yourself. People need to come to their own conclusions about themselves. You are there to give love and support.
- Lastly, DO take your friend to treatments and keep her company. Also, you should know that people going through treatment tend to cry a lot due to, well, the heaviness of it all as well as drugs that just bring it out of you. So, if a crying friend makes you uncomfortable, maybe taking her to treatment isn’t the way to go. But keeping your friend company during treatment is one of the nicest gifts you could ever give. It can be pretty lonely being hooked up to a machine that is pumping chemo drugs into your veins and having someone there to distract you is very helpful.
As I said, I am not an expert. I know only how I felt during the whole thing and someone else could very possibly feel differently about my above points, but I think that as a whole, the dos and don’ts are a good guideline to stick to. As a friend, your role is to support, help and send love. That pretty much sums it up.
So, let’s practice. This is our friend Robin Roberts. She is receiving chemo prior to a bone marrow transplant.
Her resolve, her shock and her strength are pretty apparent. As her friend, you can hear her tell you exactly what she needs. Love. All she wants from us is our love and support. And you, good friend, have plenty of that to give. Please send it.
If anyone has any other ideas to add, that would be very welcome! Add them in the comments section below. I would like to be able to add other people’s “expertise” to the conversation.
Thank you so much for these guidelines. It is great advice for loving friends and family. It reminds me of when my sister suffered a miscarriage. Friends and family kept telling her that it was meant to be and that was the last thing she wanted to hear! I know people don’t mean to say the wrong things so having you share these guidelines is so helpful.
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this wonderful information. I have been in the position of trying to say the right thing to friends and acquaintances in vulnerable situations. I often wonder if I said the right thing.
I always knew that asking what I can do is wrong. To just do it! The angels just do it! The rest of us have not quite earned our wings.
Circle around your loved one as a family member. When My grandpa was dieing of cancer, we stayed with him 24/7. Someone was always there. If possible, do this as not only will your loved one feel the Love but they will also have an advocate with the medical system that can sometimes be horrid.
This is very timely, as a friend – not a close friend, but someone I’ve known for quite a while – was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, also. I have hesitated to email her – which for our relationship would be appropriate – because I’m not quite sure what to say. Thank you for the insight.
Haivng just gone through this with my brother-in-law, who sadly lost his battle with cancer, I have to say your article is fabulous.
Thank you so much for sharing this information.
I’d say you are an expert! This is a good resource.
My sister’s husband was suddenly paralyzed many years ago. She said this was the most important thing because she didn’t have to think: “Don’t ask, just do it.”
Awesome article and so very true.. I do suggest thinking out the conversation at least a little bit in your head.. when our infant son died there came a time when I was sick to DEATH (Ha!) of other people calling me up and weeping and nashing.. and then openly wondering why I was not.. for the FYI I had 4 other children who I was trying to hold it together for to some extent.. night time was our time to cry in torrents.. day was for holding our children and softly crying with them but being strong as well. Do not be more SAD, more glad, more anything than the person who is going through the event.. and for goodness sake unless you are VERY sure of their religious leanings be careful what you say.. better a hug then to dig your own grave with a comment you can never take back.
Thank you for writing this. It is so hard to know what to do and say to a person just diagnosed with cancer. These are good words of wisdom too when your friend has someone close to them (like a parent or a spouse) with a cancer diagnosis. I’ve never had cancer, but I’ve been the primary care-giver and that can become a dark and lonely place.
Thank you again, Susan, for putting your experiences to good use helping the rest of us understand.
Very sound advice. I remember when my brother who I lost his battle with cancer in 2005, told me he had cancer, again, 4th time over 20 years, and that it was advanced beyond treatment. Instead of being 40 something to his 50 something, I was 6 years old again and feeling like I did when he enlisted in the Army. I just couldn’t say anything but, “I don’t want you to go.” and threw my arms around him. It was okay, even then, cause he was my big brother and always taught me stuff, even the hard stuff. He just held me and said, “I know you don’t.” When it is real there are no scripts.
Susan, LOVED your comment about not asking, but just DOING when it comes to bringing over a meal. Homemade food makes us think of being safe, of healing. Rising to the occasion is the greatest honor a friend can have and it’s an opportunity to be selfless for those in need.
On the topic of needing guidance, for newly diagnosed cancer patients, a free organization (based in Chicago but working worldwide), http://imermanangels.org/ matches these patients with a survivor of the same kind of cancer *not* to give medical advise, but to be there in a support role. The organization also matches caregivers with mentors who have been through it.
Be well, Dana
Wow, Susan – this was a really helpful article. I’m going to print it out – unfortunately I can imagine that there will be more and more occasions where I need this advice. Thank you!
To everyone: I love when you share your own experiences! Thank you. There are so many areas in life in which we need support or have an opportunity to give support. Sometimes it seems hard, but really it is so simple. Thanks for sharing your stories and ideas! Who knew such wonderful people would stop by to read the blog?
This is so important for everyone to read, since just about all of us will either get cancer ourselves or know someone with it. As a member of both parties, it’s always good to be reminded of how to talk to another person with cancer. Even though I’ve been through it, it’s all-too-easy to get tongue-tied and forget the comforting things to say.
I can’t remember what I did, when I found out, all I know is I tried just to be there for you, and make you comfortable. but I guess I was being a bit selfish, I had to be with you. I love you soooo much.
I remember that first day, that I just showed up, and hugged and cried with you for hours. Don’t think we talked much. And if we did I don’t remember anything but the pain in my heart when I saw yours. I hope I did the right thing.
I am sure many of us don’t know what to do and this list does help. Wow you never cease to amaze me my dear dear friend.
When my brother became ill and eventually died. All along this terrible ordeal, all I wanted around me was my closest and dearest — no words were necessary, and I actually preferred the silence and then some awkward funny comment straight from the heart. But, even when I wanted to be alone, in hindsight having a loved one next to me made me feel better, but that is me, and we are all different.
I totally agree with you, I particularly feel — no lessons, no judgements, and please no stories about other people dying….
Oh yes Mae! You did everything right! You also just reminded me of one more DON’T! And it is a big one, thank you for saying it: DON’T TELL YOUR FRIEND ABOUT SOMEONE YOU KNOW WHO DIED!!! Aargh, that is probably the worst. I actually forgot to say it! I could probably write an entire article about that alone. Mae, I couldn’t ask for a better friend. xoxo
[...] Do’s And Don’ts When Your Friend Is Diagnosed October 2, 2012By Susan Keats, reprinted from The Succulent Wife [...]
My two cents to add to this really and truly great do’s and don’ts from my perspective as a cancer survivor and watching friends and loved ones deal with cancer is to agree that cancer sucks. Cancer is not fair and cancer stinks. If the patients says it, agree. If the patient says I hate having cancer, agree. Do not tell them there is an upside. Do not tell them it will pass. Just agree!
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